I'm feeling incredibly lonely this evening.
No one's talking to me.
There's only been one person online to talk to. I tried talking to him, but he's clearly not wanting to waste his time on me. No one responded to my Facebook plea (Yeah, I know, that's sad. But I don't have any other option). Chris isn't around and he didn't answer the text I sent him. There's no one.
For the first time in almost a year I feel completely alone.
I just want to cry. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not rude, I don't think. I try to be polite. Maybe I'm not interesting? I try to be.
I'm pissed off. And still very lonely.
16 Feb 2010
14 Feb 2010
I wish the walls were full of gold, I wish a lot of things!
This evening's entry title is taken from the Prologue from Into the Woods, just in case you were wondering.
Well. Today's been a busy day. Cleaned a lot, sorted, cleaned out Sigmund, cleaned out Frasier and Niles. Had a walk to visit dad, he then gave me a lift to grandad's, walked home and watched some TV. Being Human night, too.
Now i'm sitting in bed, chatting and listening to music.
Talking to Matt Knock and Jacob.
Strangely Jacob seems undeterred by my personality. I've never encountered someone who seems to be able to handle me before! Not just that, he seems content to deal with me. Is he mad? I don't know. I am, however, certain that should he ever lay eyes upon me, he'll regret doing so. I ain't pretty. He is. Oh yes, he is. He's rather pleasant, Toby was right, I do like him! He's lovely. Makes a change from most other people I talk to. They're all rude. And think i'm weird. Really weird.
Listening to the Prologue to Into the Woods. It's so good. Sondheim is a bloody genius!
I'm tired and a little depressed, I think.
I might sleep now.
I have to be up relatively early for the jobcentre tomorrow.
Darn it.
Plus there's a guy coming to repair the rotting wood in the bay window.
Darn it!
Farewell.
Well. Today's been a busy day. Cleaned a lot, sorted, cleaned out Sigmund, cleaned out Frasier and Niles. Had a walk to visit dad, he then gave me a lift to grandad's, walked home and watched some TV. Being Human night, too.
Now i'm sitting in bed, chatting and listening to music.
Talking to Matt Knock and Jacob.
Strangely Jacob seems undeterred by my personality. I've never encountered someone who seems to be able to handle me before! Not just that, he seems content to deal with me. Is he mad? I don't know. I am, however, certain that should he ever lay eyes upon me, he'll regret doing so. I ain't pretty. He is. Oh yes, he is. He's rather pleasant, Toby was right, I do like him! He's lovely. Makes a change from most other people I talk to. They're all rude. And think i'm weird. Really weird.
Listening to the Prologue to Into the Woods. It's so good. Sondheim is a bloody genius!
I'm tired and a little depressed, I think.
I might sleep now.
I have to be up relatively early for the jobcentre tomorrow.
Darn it.
Plus there's a guy coming to repair the rotting wood in the bay window.
Darn it!
Farewell.
12 Feb 2010
Happiness, happiness. The greatest gift that I possess ...
I thank the lord, that i've been blessed
with none of my share of happiness.
A brief discussion with a friend has made me think about happiness. I would call myself a very unhappy person. But I've never thought about what it would take to make me happy. Despite the difficulty and redundancy of such a list, I'm going to try and compile it anyway.
Firstly.
A clean bill of health would be nice. No more depression, no more OCD, no more anxiety or anything. That would make the rest of my life so much easier.
Secondly.
Friends. I know for most of you they're an integral part of life. For me they are not. It would be nice to have more than aquaintances. People I see, people I spend time with, people I know and who know me. It would be nice to know there's always someone there for me. At the moment, I'm pretty much on my own. I would like that to change.
Thirdly.
It would be nice to be attractive. Most people say "looks don't matter" or "beauty's only skin deep." It's not like that when you're not good looking. You're aware of it. You know exactly what people think of you. You're aware that there are gorgeous, thin, seemingly perfect people everywhere. Everywhere you look, in every nook and cranny of the media. It's impossible to feel any level of self worth when the standard for beauty (and its importance) increases each and every day. I'd like it if I didn't have to worry about being hideous.
Fourthly.
I'd like it to be September. I'd like to be back in education. I'd also like it if I hadn't had to drop out of college. It's embarrassing having to explain why I failed miserably. It's the first failure i'd ever encountered. Not having had it happen would've been good.
Finally.
It'd be nice to have some form of significant other. If nothing else. I would like this one the most. I don't see it happening. I'm not pleasant to be around, i'm not pleasant on the eyes, I have a lot of problems and i'm generally boring and unlikeable. One day, maybe it'll happen. But I don't see it anytime soon. I'm worried i'm going to be alone for a long, long time. It seems unfair.
And that's all I can think of off the top of my head.
It's a lot to ask.
But it's what i'd need.
I have so little, I need a bit of happiness and hope.
Life
really
sucks.
with none of my share of happiness.
A brief discussion with a friend has made me think about happiness. I would call myself a very unhappy person. But I've never thought about what it would take to make me happy. Despite the difficulty and redundancy of such a list, I'm going to try and compile it anyway.
Firstly.
A clean bill of health would be nice. No more depression, no more OCD, no more anxiety or anything. That would make the rest of my life so much easier.
Secondly.
Friends. I know for most of you they're an integral part of life. For me they are not. It would be nice to have more than aquaintances. People I see, people I spend time with, people I know and who know me. It would be nice to know there's always someone there for me. At the moment, I'm pretty much on my own. I would like that to change.
Thirdly.
It would be nice to be attractive. Most people say "looks don't matter" or "beauty's only skin deep." It's not like that when you're not good looking. You're aware of it. You know exactly what people think of you. You're aware that there are gorgeous, thin, seemingly perfect people everywhere. Everywhere you look, in every nook and cranny of the media. It's impossible to feel any level of self worth when the standard for beauty (and its importance) increases each and every day. I'd like it if I didn't have to worry about being hideous.
Fourthly.
I'd like it to be September. I'd like to be back in education. I'd also like it if I hadn't had to drop out of college. It's embarrassing having to explain why I failed miserably. It's the first failure i'd ever encountered. Not having had it happen would've been good.
Finally.
It'd be nice to have some form of significant other. If nothing else. I would like this one the most. I don't see it happening. I'm not pleasant to be around, i'm not pleasant on the eyes, I have a lot of problems and i'm generally boring and unlikeable. One day, maybe it'll happen. But I don't see it anytime soon. I'm worried i'm going to be alone for a long, long time. It seems unfair.
And that's all I can think of off the top of my head.
It's a lot to ask.
But it's what i'd need.
I have so little, I need a bit of happiness and hope.
Life
really
sucks.
9 Feb 2010
Who ate all the pies?
That would be me.
I've just noticed that my weight is considerably worse than I thought it was.
This is not good!
I must lose weight. And I shall.
It's no wonder i'm unhappy and alone! :(
Embarrassing Teenage Bodies that I just watched was interesting. Makes me glad my body's normal (apart from a 'little' extra weight, of course) and I have no real physical problems. I do keep trying to lose weight, but get nowhere. Oh well. Another try can't hurt.
Ooh. Big Bang Theory's on. Yay. I love science. It's so fun and cool. I love physics so much *heart*
I'm leaving to watch this now.
As Sheldon grabs Penny's breastices.
Until we meet again.
I've just noticed that my weight is considerably worse than I thought it was.
This is not good!
I must lose weight. And I shall.
It's no wonder i'm unhappy and alone! :(
Embarrassing Teenage Bodies that I just watched was interesting. Makes me glad my body's normal (apart from a 'little' extra weight, of course) and I have no real physical problems. I do keep trying to lose weight, but get nowhere. Oh well. Another try can't hurt.
Ooh. Big Bang Theory's on. Yay. I love science. It's so fun and cool. I love physics so much *heart*
I'm leaving to watch this now.
As Sheldon grabs Penny's breastices.
Until we meet again.
It's great to stay up late. Good mornin', good mornin' to you.
Good morning.
I'm up. I don't want to be, but I am. I have that Anxiety management group in 45 minutes. Right now, I'm sitting here in bed, with a glass of Innocent Pineapple, Banana and Coconut smoothie and a bowl of Cookie Crisp.
I completely forgot about the 'homework' we were set last week in the group. Damn. It was something about making goals? I dunno. I'll have to check it and do it before I go. I have no idea what goals i'm going to set, but I'll have to think of something, I suppose.
After I come back from group, I think I'll commence working through the Eddie Izzard boxset again. Looking forward to that; I love Eddie <3
Eugh. I'd better go and start making myself presentable.
I don't wanna D:
I wanna stay in bed!
But I guess that's not an option.
Until next time.
I'm up. I don't want to be, but I am. I have that Anxiety management group in 45 minutes. Right now, I'm sitting here in bed, with a glass of Innocent Pineapple, Banana and Coconut smoothie and a bowl of Cookie Crisp.
I completely forgot about the 'homework' we were set last week in the group. Damn. It was something about making goals? I dunno. I'll have to check it and do it before I go. I have no idea what goals i'm going to set, but I'll have to think of something, I suppose.
After I come back from group, I think I'll commence working through the Eddie Izzard boxset again. Looking forward to that; I love Eddie <3
Eugh. I'd better go and start making myself presentable.
I don't wanna D:
I wanna stay in bed!
But I guess that's not an option.
Until next time.
8 Feb 2010
“Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.”
A quote from David Borenstein.
It's starting to become increasingly evident that I have a severe problem with emotions. Or, more specifically, a lack thereof. I can't honestly say I've ever felt anything that wasn't a physical sensation. I really never have. I've never displayed any kind of emotional response to an event. I've had close friends and family members die, I had to leave my job because of illness, I had to leave college because of illness. These were all inconveniences, but I've had no emotional response to any of them.
There is only one situation where I can say I feel: in dreams. When I'm dreaming, or more precisely, when I awake from a dream, I can feel the very brief emotion left over from the dream and, quite frankly, it's the most amazing and confusing thing i've ever felt. It's not something I feel at any other point.
My entire life is regulated by logic and systematic approaches to everything. When I think I feel I realise it's just that: a thought. I think things like "Oh. This has happened, so I must be sad, that's a normal response" but I never actually feel what I think I should. What's wrong with me?
I lie to everyone about it all the time too. When people are upset, I pretend to be sympathetic. I want to be, I try to be, but I just don't have the capacity. I tell people I love them, but I don't feel actual love, I feel attachment, a sense of my owing them a lot, but nothing actually emotional. It's horrific. And how do I know that? I don't. I think I do. I don't feel horror. If it's not subject to logical interpretation or a physical sensation, I can't feel it. Unless, like I say, it's in the realm of dreams.
Maybe there's something that can be done for me. Emotions are so integral to being human. I don't feel human without them. I mean, saying that, I MUST have them, otherwise I wouldn't feel them in dreams. I wish I had them all the time, when I need them. In social situations ... in life. It can't be right to not feel. It's selfish. People care about me (I hope) what kind of friend am I if I can't return their feelings? I try, honestly, I do. I spend hours trying to find some kind of feeling or emotion or reaction. But there's nothing there. There's seriously nothing.
Observing and mimicing other people has gotten me by so far but, if people are expecting a spontaneous response or something i'd not anticipated, i'm lost and exposed.
Help? Please? Yes, please!
Okay.
I'll leave you now.
Goodnight.
It's starting to become increasingly evident that I have a severe problem with emotions. Or, more specifically, a lack thereof. I can't honestly say I've ever felt anything that wasn't a physical sensation. I really never have. I've never displayed any kind of emotional response to an event. I've had close friends and family members die, I had to leave my job because of illness, I had to leave college because of illness. These were all inconveniences, but I've had no emotional response to any of them.
There is only one situation where I can say I feel: in dreams. When I'm dreaming, or more precisely, when I awake from a dream, I can feel the very brief emotion left over from the dream and, quite frankly, it's the most amazing and confusing thing i've ever felt. It's not something I feel at any other point.
My entire life is regulated by logic and systematic approaches to everything. When I think I feel I realise it's just that: a thought. I think things like "Oh. This has happened, so I must be sad, that's a normal response" but I never actually feel what I think I should. What's wrong with me?
I lie to everyone about it all the time too. When people are upset, I pretend to be sympathetic. I want to be, I try to be, but I just don't have the capacity. I tell people I love them, but I don't feel actual love, I feel attachment, a sense of my owing them a lot, but nothing actually emotional. It's horrific. And how do I know that? I don't. I think I do. I don't feel horror. If it's not subject to logical interpretation or a physical sensation, I can't feel it. Unless, like I say, it's in the realm of dreams.
Maybe there's something that can be done for me. Emotions are so integral to being human. I don't feel human without them. I mean, saying that, I MUST have them, otherwise I wouldn't feel them in dreams. I wish I had them all the time, when I need them. In social situations ... in life. It can't be right to not feel. It's selfish. People care about me (I hope) what kind of friend am I if I can't return their feelings? I try, honestly, I do. I spend hours trying to find some kind of feeling or emotion or reaction. But there's nothing there. There's seriously nothing.
Observing and mimicing other people has gotten me by so far but, if people are expecting a spontaneous response or something i'd not anticipated, i'm lost and exposed.
Help? Please? Yes, please!
Okay.
I'll leave you now.
Goodnight.
That boy needs therapy! Psychosmatic. That boy needs therapy!
Well. The visit to the psychiatrist wasn't the most pleasant i've ever had. My appointment was 15 minutes late. The psychiatrist had a very thick accent and a slight lisp, so I kept having to say "I'm sorry?" and "Excuse me?" constantly. And, the most annoying thing, he spent the entire of my session on wikipedia looking up things to do with my problems. I mean, that's a little bit unprofessional, don't you think? D:
We established depression and OCD, like we always knew. We picked up on two new posibilities: Schizoid personality disorder and Asperger's syndrome. I think we may have dismissed and revived each idea a few times. I can't remember where we ended up. He's contacted my doctor suggesting they up my dosage of Citalopram to 40mg. So it wasn't a complete loss.
I have another appointment with the team's psychologist on 26th, Dr Rachel Gould. I hope she's pleasant. And I'll no doubt have to go through everything I went through today with psychiatrist man again. Darn! So many health professionals, so little time.
Meanwhile, i've made a lot of progress in creating a drug that gives me superhuman powers.
Then i'll be better than everyone else.
AND THE WORLD WILL FINALLY BE MINE!
MWUA HA HA HA HA HA.
Oh.
I wish :(
We established depression and OCD, like we always knew. We picked up on two new posibilities: Schizoid personality disorder and Asperger's syndrome. I think we may have dismissed and revived each idea a few times. I can't remember where we ended up. He's contacted my doctor suggesting they up my dosage of Citalopram to 40mg. So it wasn't a complete loss.
I have another appointment with the team's psychologist on 26th, Dr Rachel Gould. I hope she's pleasant. And I'll no doubt have to go through everything I went through today with psychiatrist man again. Darn! So many health professionals, so little time.
Meanwhile, i've made a lot of progress in creating a drug that gives me superhuman powers.
Then i'll be better than everyone else.
AND THE WORLD WILL FINALLY BE MINE!
MWUA HA HA HA HA HA.
Oh.
I wish :(
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