“Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.”

A quote from David Borenstein.

It's starting to become increasingly evident that I have a severe problem with emotions. Or, more specifically, a lack thereof. I can't honestly say I've ever felt anything that wasn't a physical sensation. I really never have. I've never displayed any kind of emotional response to an event. I've had close friends and family members die, I had to leave my job because of illness, I had to leave college because of illness. These were all inconveniences, but I've had no emotional response to any of them.

There is only one situation where I can say I feel: in dreams. When I'm dreaming, or more precisely, when I awake from a dream, I can feel the very brief emotion left over from the dream and, quite frankly, it's the most amazing and confusing thing i've ever felt. It's not something I feel at any other point.

My entire life is regulated by logic and systematic approaches to everything. When I think I feel I realise it's just that: a thought. I think things like "Oh. This has happened, so I must be sad, that's a normal response" but I never actually feel what I think I should. What's wrong with me?

I lie to everyone about it all the time too. When people are upset, I pretend to be sympathetic. I want to be, I try to be, but I just don't have the capacity. I tell people I love them, but I don't feel actual love, I feel attachment, a sense of my owing them a lot, but nothing actually emotional. It's horrific. And how do I know that? I don't. I think I do. I don't feel horror. If it's not subject to logical interpretation or a physical sensation, I can't feel it. Unless, like I say, it's in the realm of dreams.

Maybe there's something that can be done for me. Emotions are so integral to being human. I don't feel human without them. I mean, saying that, I MUST have them, otherwise I wouldn't feel them in dreams. I wish I had them all the time, when I need them. In social situations ... in life. It can't be right to not feel. It's selfish. People care about me (I hope) what kind of friend am I if I can't return their feelings? I try, honestly, I do. I spend hours trying to find some kind of feeling or emotion or reaction. But there's nothing there. There's seriously nothing.

Observing and mimicing other people has gotten me by so far but, if people are expecting a spontaneous response or something i'd not anticipated, i'm lost and exposed.

Help? Please? Yes, please!

Okay.
I'll leave you now.

Goodnight.