I have never felt pain like this in my entire life.

It's like someone's hammering nails into my ear canal.

I'm very nearly in tears.

It's horrific.

It's unbearable.

God, please, if you care about me, kill me!

We didn't start the fire ...

Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray
South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio

 Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television
North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe.

Rosenbergs, H-bomb, Sugar Ray, Panmunjom
Brando, "The King and I" and "The Catcher in the Rye"
Eisenhower, vaccine, England's got a new queen
Marciano, Liberace, Santayana goodbye.

Joseph Stalin, Malenkov, Nasser and Prokofiev
Rockefeller, Campanella, Communist Bloc
Roy Cohn, Juan Peron, Toscanini, dacron
Dien Bien Phu falls, "Rock Around the Clock"

Einstein, James Dean, Brooklyn's got a winning team
Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley, Disneyland
Bardot, Budapest, Alabama, Krushchev
Princess Grace, "Peyton Place", trouble in the Suez 

Little Rock, Pasternak, Mickey Mantle, Kerouac
Sputnik, Chou En-Lai, "Bridge on the River Kwai"
Lebanon, Charlse de Gaulle, California baseball
Starkweather, homicide, children of thalidomide

Buddy Holly, "Ben Hur", space monkey, Mafia
Hula hoops, Castro, Edsel is a no-go
U-2, Syngman Rhee, payola and Kennedy
Chubby Checker, "Psycho", Belgians in the Congo 

Hemingway, Eichmann, "Stranger in a Strange Land"
Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion  "Lawrence of Arabia", British Beatlemania
Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson  

 Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British politician sex
JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say

Birth control, Ho Chi Minh, Richard Nixon back again
Moonshot, Woodsto/ck/, Watergate, punk rock
Begin, Reagan, Palestine, terror on the airline
Ayatollah's in Iran, Russians in Afghanistan

"Wheel of Fortune", Sally Ride, heavy metal, suicide
Foreign debts, homeless vets, AIDS, crack, Bernie Goetz
Hypodermics on the shores, China's under martial law
Rock and roller cola wars, I can't take it anymore.

That's a shitload of history in one fantastic song.
Ah, Billy Joel, I love ya.

Tired, but otherwise absolutely nothing to report.

T'ra :)

4:48 Psychosis

Is no less stunning the 56th time than it was the 1st time.
It's so wonderfully, brilliantly epic.
I can't even aptly describe it in words.
So painful and expressive.
Sarah Kane was a genius.

I spend fucking ages talking, writing and chatting and all I get in response is ':)' or ':p' or, occasionally, 'lol.'
I mean, how does that not seem short and rude to you? If someone gave me five or six lines of text that they'd obviously worked on and my response was ':)' I'd most certainly feel guilty about it.
And it's obvious you don't get anything I tell you. You never look beyond what i'm saying in order to figure out what I mean. You can't be that dumb. Do you even try? Do you even care?

Mother keeps commenting on my dinstinct lack of pleasantness recently. Every single uttered sentence that isn't laced with bluebirds, rainbows and fairies provokes the response "Are you not taking your tablets?"
Well, I'm so sorry I need to alter my brain chemistry in order to please you. Taking antidepressants is all well and good but, unless you've been there or are there, you can't possibly comprehend how empty a drug-induced good mood is. It's not a good mood. It's the facade of a good mood.
It's like being out of orange juice. And your solution is taking water, dyeing it orange and then drinking it and calling it 'orange juice.' It may look like it and sound like it, but the taste is as disappointing and bland as nothingness.

I know. I'm strange. And whiney. And bordering on pathetic.

But you suck.
And we all know it.

T'ra.

There are bridges you cross you didn't know you'd crossed until you crossed.

I'm going to kill someone.
Or myself.
Either way, someone's going to die.

The problems I have with Facebook group joining.

It annoys me. For one reason and one reason alone: it's an upsetting reminder of everything I hate about myself, others and the world around us.

Specific examples.
Because I like examples.
And if you don't, go screw yourself :D

Averagey McGeneric became a fan of:

"Long talks with your best friend about EVERYTHING."

I don't have a best friend. I don't have anyone I can tell 'EVERYTHING.'

"Getting an unexpected text from that special person ♥."

No one texts me. Literally. I NEVER get texts from anyone. Cos i'm that popular.

And, I'd like to add, I specifically didn't get an expected text from someone. Someone who was supposed to text me on Christmas Day when I was on my own. Was epically disappointed.

"you want me to spend HOW MANY HOURS ON HOMEWORK, I DO HAVE A LIFE YOU KNOW"

Shut up and do your fucking homework. Sure, discard it, have fun. Get pissed. Whore about.
Just don't get pissed off when you're working at McDonald's for the rest of your life.

 
"If I Could Cuddle With You All Day, Believe Me I Would ♥"

It's oh so great to be young and in love. Wanting to spend every moment with the person you're infatuated with. Oh. No. Wait. That's right, I've no idea what that feels like.

"Cant wait to go back to uni for the many alcoholic nights!!!!!"

Should I be happy that idiots are perpetuating the stereotype of the useless, alcoholic University student?

"I am drunk in at least 90% of my facebook photos"

And you HAVEN'T put that on your CV? You really should.

  

"I don't think I can be blamed for things that I do whilst intoxicated"

I honestly REALLY hope that, one day, you'll be trying to convince the police of this.

"I'm someone you'll REGRET losing. I can PROMISE you that"
a.k.a "The world revolves around me. I'm great. You're not. I'll go to extreme lengths to prove i'm better than you. The fact that you don't care, are more mature than me and will just brush me off and pity me doesn't make a difference because I only look inward" Grow up and get over yourself.

"I have a ginger friend"

I have a carpet in my bedroom. I have feet. I have rats, one of whom has just just gotten over pneumonia. 

I'm assuming you have a point, i'm just having difficulty finding it.

"You said you'd always be there for me, you lied"

Story of my life bitch. Welcome to the world of being human. People come and go, no one stays. People are arrogant, self-centred people who're only interested in self-preservation.
This is the world of the ultimate biological machinery; Mankind. 

"Talking to you = my day made"

Please stop rubbing it in my face that you have friends and people who care about you.
We get it.

Shut the fuck up.

Yeah. That's a brief description of how I feel.

I've not been in this bad a mood for a long time aha

F'koff.

I couldn't be happier, simply couldn't be happier.

Well, not simply. 

Getting your dreams, it's strange but it seems a little, well, complicated.
There's a kind of a sort of ... cost.
There's a couple of things get ... lost.

I love that song.

Now.
The business of the day.

I'm pissed off. I'm very pissed off.
I can't even put into words how much everything's pissing me the fuck off.
I have a week ahead that I just cannot be bothered with.
I have appointments and stupid people to see.

It's been a long time since i've been 'pissed off' depressed. 'Suicidal' depressed, sure, every other week. 'Don't give a shit' depressed, same. But, at the moment, i'm just angry. Completely angry.

More angry at myself than anything else, to be honest.

I'm anrgy at people. People who I shouldn't be angry at. People who have not really done anything to make me angry. Angry at people because they're not here to console me or comfort me. I'm well aware it's not their fault they're not here (unless they're purposely ignoring me, which I would expect from any of them) but I just don't care.

It's the first time in a long time that i've felt like recovering a few old bad habits.

I need a drink.

Oh good god.

There have been an awful lot of documentaries on weight problems and obesity recently.

And I've taken two things from them:
My weight isn't actually THAT bad.
and
I NEED TO LOSE SOME MOTHERFRICKING WEIGHT.

I know that doesn't make all that much sense to you. But it does to me.
Damn it.

I'm a freaking whale D:

On my own, pretending he's beside me.

Firstly, and most importantly, I am absolutely freezing. I never used to get cold. Ever. Damn it!

I'm finding my life unsettling at the moment. I'm a creature of habit and routine. And that habit and routine depresses me immensely. But that's not my current point. I have a mishmash of appointments all ocurring all over the place. And I dont like it. I'm gonna miss something or forget something. Because everything's everywhere. This sporadic ocurrence of dates is disturbing.

I'm feeling significantly more depressed recently than I usually am. I'm tired, I don't want to do anything, I just want to climb into bed and give up completely. It's not an option, I know. But it's going to have to be. Paradoxically. I wish I had someone to talk to. I do find blogging to be a reasonable outlet but I don't need to point out it's not a person. The blog, the infintesimal space on the internet that i'm pouring all of this personal stuff into, sort of takes on the form of a quasi, pseudo, semiperson. A silent, faceless confidant, who just sits and listens. And, when you wish, regurgitates your exact words back to you.

I know that the only person who reads this is me, which makes me both happy and sad. I'd like to be able to talk to real people about these things, but for me they're in short supply. And the few people I do have I can't talk to because it's been 3 years now, they've heard all this over and over again. I'm pretty confident they're tired of hearing it, they may say they're not. But they're only human. Besides, I doubt their claims of how much they care about me or how much they want to support me. As i've mentioned before, they're all fine until effort is required from them. They'd sooner let me die than have to go out of their ways. Bar stools.

Life is increasingly stale.
I yearn for a change.
I yearn to get better.

Perhaps, one day, I will.
Being hopeful.
I believe 'lol' would be appropriate here.

Night.
Although quite why i'm saying night.
God knows i'm only talking to myself.

"I'm covered in bees!"

What's new, Felis Silvestris Catus? Woah-woah-woah.

Not much.
Never recieved calls from the people who're supposed to be contacting me. I'm giving up. Screw them. I don't want to work for someone whose either that disorganised or that rude.

I got a call from a nurse at Harplands today, telling me i've got a place on their anxiety management group programme thing. Meeting her tomorrow for an individual appointment so she can introduve me to the service and tell me about stuff and get to know a bit about me etc.
Shouldn't be too bad, I don't think.

Naturally, no luck on the job front. Can't even find anything to apply for atm. Sad times.

Other than that, nothing's going on.
Nothing to say.

People suck still.
I continue to hate them.

Adieu.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing.

Well. It's 22:56 as I type this. The time when I would ideally be getting tired, ready to sleep for the night. But i'm not. I'm not in the least bit tired at all. Which annoys me because I have to be up at 9 tomorrow. Yes, I know, not early to you, but for someone who doesn't usually get to sleep until about 6 or 7, it's early.

Dentist appointment in the morning, fillings to do I think. Numbing, gum stabbing fun *rolleyes*
A vet appointment to follow. I love Frasier, but he doesn't half cost me a lot in vet bills.

Then I shall no doubt spend the rest of the day vomiting because of the dental work. I should explain, any kind of dental work makes me extremely nauseous, the touching of my teeth, hands and instruments in my mouth, the drilling and the stabbing. All causes anxiety and an accompanying upset stomach. Ew.

Oh, also, the lady from Julian Graves should be calling me tomorrow. Let's hope she remembers. The people from Accord housing failed yet again. I give up on them now. Bastards.

Well. Good night, here's hoping I sleep through some of it (Y)

Haha. Looks like boobies. ( . Y . )

Childish moment over.
I don't have to be grown up if I don't want to.

"So, Prypiat is basically an abandoned radioactive ghost Soviet baby amusement park."

An excerpt from an article on the creepiest places on Earth, Prypiat being number one, what with the evacuation after the whole Chernobyl thing. It made me laugh for about half an hour.

It's cold. I'm cold. Coldness abounds.

Stupid motherfucking bastarding people are being late. Perhaps I should elaborate, yes, I should. On Wednesday, last week, a lady from Accord Housing phoned regarding a job i'd applied for, saying she wanted to talk to me a bit about the job. So she said that someone would call me back at about 11:20. That was last Wednesday. It's almost this Wednesday. So I called them again this morning to enquire as to why they didn't get back to me. The lady on the phone said someone would like to call me at about 11:20 to have a chat about the job (I recall a feeling of Déjà vu at this point), it's now 12:18 and i'm seriously not amused. It appears no one is capable of keeping arrangements. And it's pissing me off; I would like this motherfreaking job. I'm going to have to call them again, aren't I? Speaking of which, Julian Graves said they'd call me back and they never fucking did. It's so unbelievably frustrating.

And, as ever, i'm sitting here talking to myself because no one can be arsed to make the effort to talk to me or make sure i'm ok.

Bastards. I hate them all. I don't know why I bother trying to maintain friendships with these retards.

Like a door that keeps revolving, in a half forgotten dream.

I, once again, completely forgot about this damn blog. Maybe i'm just not made of the stuff regular blogging takes. Or maybe my memory just sucks.

It seems my last post was just before Christmas. Let's update on the points I made then.

The Orthodontist Appointment.
Not that I like to give in to stereotypes but my orthodontist was an unpleasant, ill-mannered and generally evil man. He didn't introduce himself, he didn't address me directly, he didn't even look at me. He put his hands in my mouth without gloves. That probably doesn't mean much to you, but for me, from a germophobic tainted view, it was excruciating; I couldn't stop imagining all of the bacteria he was putting my mouth from his pen and his papers and everything he was doing on his little tray/desk. He announced that he'll need some convincing that I can cope with the corrective braces i'll need after the surgery. He pointed out a slight dip in dental hygiene and a gap in my attendance at my dentist's. I very much see his point, it doesn't paint the portrait of a dedicated person. But his distinct lack of interest in reasons WHY these things were as they were didn't portray a very thorough or professional procedure. Just in case he was interested, i've spent at least 3 years in deep depression, during which attending dentist appointments comes third on the list of important things. Beneath, 'Getting out of Bed' and 'Not killing myself today.' I'm really pissed off I didn't get a chance to defend myself.

Christmas and New Year
Well, they were shit. Not only is it becoming increasingly evident that i'm not a child anymore so Christmas just isn't fun, but this Christmas was especially horrific. Mother was out all day so I had to spend it with father, who left me on my own for an hour so he could go to the pub. Fun. Christmas night was, naturally, spent lying in bed eating myself to death whilst everyone else was having fun.
Same applies for New Year. Spent sitting in listening to everyone have fun. Watching fireworks on my own. It was especially fun to know that all of my friends were out having fun, inviting everyone but me. It seems that my friends love me so much that they wouldn't be seen dead with me.
In the time in between, everyone was having fun, meeting each other, going out, generally being good friends and having good times. I was sitting at home eating, wondering why no one wants to talk to me.

And those are the only two big things I spoke of last time.
Nothing's really happened since.
Been here, on my own, doing nothing. As ever.

And, speaking of no one wanting to talk to me, I reasoned that maybe my friends just don't know i'm depressed about no one talking to me so, in order to make it fair for them, i'll let them know in black and white terms. Facebook. I know, the most sophisticated and mature way (!)
"My Name Here is bored and lonely :( someone please talk to me."
That was about 40 minutes ago and, despite there being 23 people online, no one's attempted.
I'd like to think it's all just an unfortunate coincidence and perhaps everyone's just missed reading it.
But it's pretty obvious that no one actually cares.
Which is sad. Because i'm 18. I should have friends. I should be doing stuff.
A little secret. I've never been invited by anyone to do anything.
And it's amazing how the friends I have specifically avoid situations where they'd feel obligated to ask me to join them. They reassure me that they care, but evidence suggests otherwise. Sure, when it's support and chatting over MSN, they're fine. Because they don't have to do anything. But when it requires effort on their part, they'd rather chew their own limbs off. Which is upsetting. Because i'd quite literally do anything for them.

Look at me, getting all pathetic and emotional aha.

Okay.
I might make this blog a once-weekly thing. Or once every few days or something.

So long, bitch.
I'll go and talk to myself for a while *rolleyes*