On my own, pretending he's beside me.

Firstly, and most importantly, I am absolutely freezing. I never used to get cold. Ever. Damn it!

I'm finding my life unsettling at the moment. I'm a creature of habit and routine. And that habit and routine depresses me immensely. But that's not my current point. I have a mishmash of appointments all ocurring all over the place. And I dont like it. I'm gonna miss something or forget something. Because everything's everywhere. This sporadic ocurrence of dates is disturbing.

I'm feeling significantly more depressed recently than I usually am. I'm tired, I don't want to do anything, I just want to climb into bed and give up completely. It's not an option, I know. But it's going to have to be. Paradoxically. I wish I had someone to talk to. I do find blogging to be a reasonable outlet but I don't need to point out it's not a person. The blog, the infintesimal space on the internet that i'm pouring all of this personal stuff into, sort of takes on the form of a quasi, pseudo, semiperson. A silent, faceless confidant, who just sits and listens. And, when you wish, regurgitates your exact words back to you.

I know that the only person who reads this is me, which makes me both happy and sad. I'd like to be able to talk to real people about these things, but for me they're in short supply. And the few people I do have I can't talk to because it's been 3 years now, they've heard all this over and over again. I'm pretty confident they're tired of hearing it, they may say they're not. But they're only human. Besides, I doubt their claims of how much they care about me or how much they want to support me. As i've mentioned before, they're all fine until effort is required from them. They'd sooner let me die than have to go out of their ways. Bar stools.

Life is increasingly stale.
I yearn for a change.
I yearn to get better.

Perhaps, one day, I will.
Being hopeful.
I believe 'lol' would be appropriate here.

Night.
Although quite why i'm saying night.
God knows i'm only talking to myself.